Life is so confusing at times. I feel engulfed by cancer. It is such a huge part of my life. It’s part of my story, who I am and my day to day conversations at work. Sometimes it overwhelms me and I want to get as far away it as I can, but that’s not where I am today. Today, it’s a part of my world. I wish I could treat it like a bad relationship. Delete it’s number. Maybe even move. Ask friends not to mention it. Eventually, the thing that was so loud in my life becomes a faint whisper. Maybe I’ll get there, but not today.
I’ve been thinking, how can I shift this narrative for myself. Instead of feeling like a victim and swept away by cancer, how can I make it meaningful. I feel like this comes up a lot in conversations around cancer. I heard something that’s stuck with me the past couple of days about making an agreement with loved ones BEFORE you die. Picking some sort of sign or symbol to know they are there with you. Often we don’t want to talk about death with our loved ones. It’s too hard to think about them being gone. I think cancer makes it easier to acknowledge the fact that we are all going to die. Cancer gives us the gift of time to say our goodbyes and to be more mindful with our time together.
I was driving home from work the other night thinking about this. Thinking about my life, about how I can bring more meaning and connection to it. I looked up and the sky was hot pink. I realized I want my friends and family to think of me when they see pink skies. I want them to feel my love whether I’m here or not. I want pink skies to encourage them to live their best lives. Hell, I want pink skies to remind me to live my best life while I’m here. I don’t want to waste a precious moment of this life. I don’t know how long it will last. Maybe I live into my 90’s and have a crazy, full, wild ride of a life. Maybe not. It doesn’t feel like it’s really up to me and that’s okay. What’s up to me is how I spend this time. What’s up to me is how present I am and what I let consume my thoughts. The type of person I show up as every day. That’s what I am in control of right now.
Cancer might be a part of my world more than I really want it to be, but I can choose what that means. What it means to me today is to live a great fucking life. It’s not perfect. It’s not even pretty sometimes, but it’s mine. I want to leave a legacy of love, strength, faith and resilience. I want to appreciate the tiniest moments and let go of the bullshit that gets in my way. I want to see a pink sky and know that anything is possible. I hope you will do the same and when you see pink skies maybe think of me even if only for a moment.